So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
