Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
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