Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
