I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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