Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
