My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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