I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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