There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
