Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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