Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
