I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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