As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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