Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
