Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
