First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
