i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
