Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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