Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
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