i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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