I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
