and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
