JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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