Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
