Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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