I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Randomize
