made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
