I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
