I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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