It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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