Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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