Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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