Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize