so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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