I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize