I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
