Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
