Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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