We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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