Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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