i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
