Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize