I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
