Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
