You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
