I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
