there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We're using joints as your birthday candles
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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