Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
