Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
