i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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