The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize