Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
