im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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