May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I want a musical about memes.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
