so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
