i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
