I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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