is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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