i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
