I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
